Adoption 101

At least that's what we were needing. We had done basic research before on the internet about adoption. We know people that had been adopted, and we know people that had adopted children. But all those tidbits of information really didn't add up to what we needed to know because every situation is different. And we needed to know what we needed to know pretty fast. Traditionally, if you're adopting, you register with an agency & they walk you through the steps. They tell you about the homestudy, offer counseling, handle the legal stuff, and hopefully match you with a birth mother. But our adoption was a different animal. We learned very quickly that what we are doing is called an independent adoption. It's basically an adoption without the agency. But you still need to do all the steps... and you still need to know what to do... but you don't have an agency holding your hand & telling you what to do & what to expect. So... we needed "Adoption 101."

What we knew for sure was that we needed to talk to a lawyer. We knew for sure a lawyer would be necessary for the paperwork and court filings. We found a great lawyer... and he sat down and gave us his full "how to adopt" talk in the process of a couple of hours. For all our friends & anyone else reading this blog, I'll summarize what he said. Now... as we go through this process, I'm sure we will get much more information so I'll share what I learn as I can, but here's the down & dirty as it stands now.

The Home Study... We need to have a home study done. Home study's are required by the State (in our case North Carolina) to ensure that we're not adopting a baby to live in a cave, and that (relatively-speaking) we're normal people that are capable of raising children. A home study is done by someone licensed to do a home study. From what I've seen, pretty much most of the adoption agencies are licensed to do home studies, but not all home study people are adoption agencies. The home study is quite a process. We have to provide background checks, financial, medical & all sorts of personal information. It's daunting! Then someone will come to our house to meet us (and our crazy dogs!) and decide if we can adopt or not. Yeah... no stress there. Did I mention the crazy dogs? LOL

The Lawyers... yes that's a plural. We will have two lawyers involved. Technically only one lawyer (in our state) is necessary. But as our lawyer explained, it is best if we get the birth mother her own lawyer. That way, she has no doubt that her interests are covered. Of course, we get to pay the bill for both, but it ends up a little better all around. Her lawyer will come to the hospital after the babies are born & she will sign her consent to adoption. She can only sign it after the babies are born. Then our lawyer will get that paperwork from her lawyer and file that with our home study information with the court as our petition to adopt.

The Birth Father... he will have to be contacted and consent to the adoption. If the birth father can't be contacted, we have to publish legal notifications attempting to contact him.  

The Court... once our petition for adoption is filed, we just have to wait for the court to do their thing. Evidently, once the paperwork is filed, it takes (in our area) about 3 months for the adoption to be finalized. In an uncontested adoption, we don't go to court. Some judge sitting in his office, drinking his coffee, looks over our paperwork and makes us official parents.

The cost... that's one thing everyone wants to know at the beginning of this process. What in the world does adoption cost? And it's the hardest part to answer. It's expensive. Anyone that tells you it's not expensive is selling you something. We had looked into adoption previously and found that to adopt an infant through an agency, it usually runs $20,000 - $30,000. International adoption is $30,000 & up. Adopting a child from the foster care system is the least expensive option. What we are doing is also expensive. We pay for the home study, court fees, lawyer costs, hospital bills and anything else you can think of. It's basically the same cost as an agency adoption withought the agency fees. How much will this cost us? We don't know. If the adoption with the twins goes through, we are looking at a minimum of $15,000. It could go higher. There are loopholes that our health insurance may not cover the twin's first 24 hours in the hospital... and that could be 2 babies in NICU. If the birth mother ends up on bed rest, we will be providing help with her living expenses. Adoption is expensive. There are grants that you can apply for & fund raisers you can do. There is the adoption tax credit that helps out. But at the end of the day, you write a big fat check... or several fat checks.

The wait... probably the hardest part. We wait. We wait for the doctor's visits information. We wait for the home study. We wait for the birth. Then we have 7 days of extreme anxiety. In our state, once the Birth Mother signs her consent for adoption (the day the babies are born or the next day), we have the babies, but she has 7 days to change her mind. So... for those 7 days... at any point, she can change her mind & it's all over. Of course she can also change her mind up to that point too. So we wait... and start thinking about all the things we can do to keep busy... Anyone need help cleaning our their garage?

The story so far...

So... the big announcement has been made. We've decided to adopt. No we didn't just all the sudden wake up one day and decide this... it's been a process... But let's just start at the beginning... or what we'll call the beginning of our family growing.

Mike & I want to have children. Until now that hasn't happened. But we're not going to focus on that. We are going to focus on what we're doing now. We have discussed adoption many times in the past. In fact, we had always thought it would be something we did whether we had natural children of our own or not. We just hadn't taken that leap. And we didn't really take the leap. We were pushed off the cliff.

We have been waiting and talking and waiting and talking and waiting and talking.  Do you get the idea? We were working on paying off some very large medical bills from trying to conceive. We said we'll look into adoption when we get that paid off. We knew adoption wouldn't be cheap... and frankly, one financial mess at a time thank you very much!

Then we got the call. Actually... it was a text... but the details aren't important. Well, this detail is... we had just sent off the last credit card payment. We had just paid off the treatments like we said we would. We were supposed to start looking into adoption. We were at that spot, but give us a little time to breathe before we jump. Then we got the text. Would we be interested in adopting? Someone was pregnant. She couldn't keep the baby. Would we be interested in adopting? This only happens in movies, right? Someone you know knows someone that can't keep a baby and you all meet and everyone is one big happy mess of a family. That only happens in movies. It's only supposed to happen in movies. But it's happening to us.

The Birth Mother is a gift to us from God. She is our angel. But please hear me on this. If you're reading this and you know us or you know her... please respect her wish of privacy. She has asked that our adoption be a closed one. Her name can not and will not ever be mentioned in this blog or anywhere online. If you know her, please love on her & tell her how happy you are that she is giving us this gift. Tell her what a wonderful, special woman that she is. She needs way more support in this process than we do. She is our miracle, and we'll never be able to express that enough to her.

And the miracles continue... About a couple of weeks after we all agreed to this... another phone call came... or text... again the details aren't important. What did we think about twins? Twins!!!! Seriously?!?!?! The Birth Mother was worried we wouldn't be happy... we on the other hand, were ecstatic. So... what was one crib and car seat has become two. And we're twice as happy... and twice as delirious! LOL!

So... that is where our family's journey begins.

But this is the one point I can't make enough. We're adopting. We love this Birth Mother and we already love these two precious babies. But we also know that in the adoption journey, things happen. Plans made can be broken. We are okay with that. We truly are. If this particular situation doesn't work out for us, we are still adopting. If this one situation doesn't work out for us, please don't spend one minute of your time feeling bad for us. Our family will still be growing. We've been pushed off the cliff... and we're on the road to adoption. We're excited to see where this adventure will lead us. It may lead us in a couple of months to the hospital up the street or it may lead us in a year around the other side of the world. What we do know for sure is that our family will be growing. We just don't know when or how, but we're excited to find it out.